bramisnotmyname

Huwag na huwag mong isipin
Na ikaw ang pinakaimportante
Sa mundong ito.

Huwag na huwag mong isipin
Na ang mundo namin
ay
umiikot sa'yo.

Release the grip, watch it fly away.
Move along, they say.
Confuzzled to a certain point...
...Until... my mind.
It fails to respond.
No one can ever tell. Things have been going on.
No one will ever know what's been done.

None the wiser are you.
Countless epiphanies flash before me.
None the wiser am I.
Repetition of faults will never get by.

Some say that things never change.
Seemingly desperate... all the situations (We get stuck in).
A matter of time before it all unfolds.
To the point that everything will crumble down.
I just want you to know that I've released your grip.
I just want to say...

None the wiser are you.
Countless mistakes just seem to walk past.
None the wiser am I.
Erasing these faults just never seems to last.

None the wiser are we.
Repeat another mishap, we will.
None the wiser are them.
Anticipating mishaps, time they kill.

None the wiser am I.
Before another man falls down and cries.
None the wiser are you.
Maybe it's time that I bid you adieu.

("stole" some lyrics from a friend. time to make a happy song. for once. muahahaha)

(i)
She blows me away like a gentle breeze
...or a windy day.
She blows out my mind, she's one of a kind.
In her own quirky ways.

(ii)
She's everything that I've never wanted
But there's something about her that makes me
want to go ahead and grab her.

(cho)
Blow me away.
...Blow me away.
Blow me away...
...for another day.

(iii)
She blows me away like a cyclone
...on a stormy day.
But now she's with a different guy
That she blows in a different way.

(iv)
Oh, no. I shouldn't be saying things like that.
Oh, no. I shouldn't be liking her in the first place.
(Hit my head with a bat)

(cho2)
She blew me away...
...she blew me away.
She blew me away.
...'til yesterday.
She blew me away like a cyclone would. (she blew me away)
Or like a tropical storm. (she blew me away)
But now that's all over and all I could do (she blew me away)
Is mope, cry and mourn. ('til yesterday)

(cho3)
She blows him away...
...she blows him away.
She blows him away.
...in her own damn quirky way.

(because happy songs are so overrated, and no, I'm not feeling emotive. I'm just creative. AHSDAHHDASGUDIAOSJ)

Numb.

Again.

Should not sleep on arm.

Oh, that's what it was?

Hmmm.


Fuck it.





Med school, kill me.

 The world's full of them.

Like...

...you, and you, and you.

And probably you, you two, you, and you as well.

Goddamn you all to hell.

It all makes sense now. It all makes fucking damn sense now.

I was worried about something that wasn't there to begin with.

Curse me and my intellect nature. Curse my inquistivity. Curse. My. Mind.

But still, knowing that was all I needed. The cherry on top.

Awesome.


Goodbye, Manila.
Goodbye, Makati.



Goodbye.

What's wrong with me? I really don't know. Is it that feeling of freedom, or openness? I really don't know. Before, it was just about a certain someone. Now, it's just crazy. I am a tad crazy, I admit, but this is just certainly confusing.

I've been trying to wear a mask for the past week, and it hasn't helped me. I remove the mask and act like myself, but I'm beginning to hate it either.

I try to stay calm and act normal, but everyone doesn't. I get pissed in the end.

I try to act silly and all, but everyone doesn't. They get pissed in the end.

Why can't anyone understand the situation I'm in? The situation that I've likely put myself in?

When's the right time? Never?

When will everyone know the right time to mess with me? And when's the time not to? Everyone thinks their joking around is pretty harmless, but I beg to disagree.

When will everyone stop acknowledging that I'm vertically- and horizontally-challenged and learn to acknowledge what I have in place of them? Like my skills in music and art?

Why is it that when I try to have time for myself, everyone just ruins it in the end?

Why is it that things won't run the way that I want them to?

Yes, selfish of me, it seems. But I bet that anyone always wants things to run their way.

I just want to stop for a second and have a break from it all. From everyone. Everything.
I want to ride a bike until I arrive somewhere - Nowhere.
I want to discover things other than Biology.
I want to be with someone who accepts me for who I am.
I want to refresh things - and recycle them.
I want to let go of my rational mind and appreciate everything else in life.
I want to drive until I run out of gas and sell the car to buy gas and give the gas to some people who need it for their electricity.
I want to go home - to a place that I have always been truly happy in.
I want to get lost - and find myself in the process.
I want to explore.
I want to observe everyone else - instead of them observing me.
I want to stop overthinking - I want to over-relax (is there even such a term?).
I want to be alone.
I want to be with everyone.
I want to graduate.
I want to stay a student.
I want to know what I really want.
What I yearn for.
I don't know.

I do not want to go back.
I do not want to hurt someone.
I do not want to be hurt.
I do not want to be with people.
I do not want to be alone either.
I do not want to go on.
I do not want to be confused.
I do not want to continue this current situation.

I WANT. SOMETHING. NEW.

To want, or not to want.

Polar opposites.

Differences.

Similarities.

Which make all the same damn differences in the world.

Hullo.

Just got back from what seemed to be the best vacation ever (sleep galore).

Okay, I was lying. It was a so-so vacation. Yes, the nostalgia is fucking addictive, and the air is clean, the streets are dark, and the people are smartasses.

But just when I thought all of my problems, heartache, and all other emoshitty stuff I've done in Manila would stay there, it just likes to find a way to get inside my luggage.

-First of all, the television. I hated the television (namely because its name reminded me of the heartache in Manila. I'll hate Panasonic for that).

-Second of all, I got in touch with an old friend, my favourite bottle of Jack Daniels. I got drunk (numerous times, despite the warnings and objections of a friend).

-Third, the crappy church. I'm referring to the priests who took over the church that I used to go to. They sing every last bit of the Mass. Even the consecration (for Pete's sake, they made us sing "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" and the Barney "I Love You" song... in MASS).

-Fourth, was the barkada reunion. Not the reunion itself, but due to a certain amount of texts that I recieved (and the epiphany).

-Fifth, was the return of my good old friend, Mr. Stoicism. Hey, I'm glad to have him back. My regular antics of: "FUCK EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD" is currently reduced to "Eh? Oh. That. Yeah, I don't really care anymore."

-Lastly, the flight back to Manila was agonizing. Some kid was crying the whole time, and I didn't have any earphones or any sort of sound-reducing device to block the damn infant's crying.

But like everything in life, it has its perks.

I am stoic. I am manic. I am a lot more positive (yet I still look pessimistic). And finally, I think I've moved on. After What seemed to be the most dramatic year of college (mainly because my college life is just about two years).

But, whatever.

Life goes on.

And so do I.



Kaching.

What on earth is going on?

2009.

Don't ever forget:


The schoolworks.

The alcohol.

The inanities.

The heartache.

The camaraderie.

Those days when everything was just crazy.



2010, be awesome.

I guess I am one.

*FACEPALM*

GET READY FOR ANOTHER DRUNKEN POST.

WHOoooo.

Okay, so I have been searching for my password in this damned laptop, and guess what, I found it. Albeit I'll possibly change it again but I'll probably won't, in case this post gets out of hand.
Now excuse me while I wipe these droplets of what seems to be tears off the keyboard.

I've currently arrived here in Bacolod, where the air is clean, the streets are dark, and the people are smartasses.

I haven't been happy with what's been happening lately.
I barely passes my statistics course.
I act like a total jackass all the time.
And here I am, drinking to my heart's content. With a bottle of Jack Daniel's by my side.
Why the sudden drinking?

It's because of that.
And you, my dearest reader, might know what it is (if you've been following my emoblogs for a while now and STILL put up with my e-whining).
To think that I still have these feelings that are supposed to have left me.
Since the 4th of December this year.
To think that they should have subsided.

I don't know how.
I don't forget.
I don't let go easily.
I cherish pain.
But lately, I've been cherising it too much.

I've spent the whole week trying to unfeel.
Trying to become stoic again.
Trying to forget.
But I just can't.

It's like seeing myself in a mirror.
It's like watching a slow-motion replay of yourself doing something utterly stupid over and over again.
It's like nothing I've ever experienced in my life, even if I wanted to.
I want to be stoic again.

I don't want to be heartbroken.
I don't want to be jealous.
I don't want to be delusional.
I don't want to concern myself too much anymore.

But life's a funny thing when you think about it.

Awhile ago, I said to a friend, "Finally, after ten damn months, I can say that I'm not in love with her anymore."

But then it hit me.
Again.
This time, worse than a boomerang on crystal meth.
It's like a poisoned dagger.
It hurts the first time.
And it'll continue hurting.
And hurting.

I spoke too soon.

I went here to Bacolod to try to get my mind off of things.
But it's too peaceful here.
It's making me remember.
Making me sad.

I know I sound like the most broken record of all time.
I know that I'm probably getting into your nerves with all of these damned blogs.
I know that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be as remotely good as him.

I'm just me.
Just another short, pudgy guy along the sidelines.
And damn, do these sidelines suck.
They suck so much.


But hey, if you're happy with him, then I guess I'll give way.
If it's the only way.
To end this seemingly unending chain of unreciprocation.
With me at the end of it.
Then, so be it.

Just remember.
I won't run far.
I can always be found.
I will stay by your side,
And I want you to find me,
so I'll stay by your side.

Hah. Christmas never sucked so much in my life.

This will be the last entry in this journal.

Until I ultimately change the password into something that I will never recall.

All this time, this journal was solely made for one purpose.

And I bet you know that.

This is going to be long.

I will unload everything that I can recall to the best of my knowledge.

Why? Because I'm... let's say... different.

Curse this eidatic memory.

It all started during the time I saw that face. Yes, I was quiet and weird, and in doubt whether you were the girl from Bacolod that the others were talking about.

I saw that yellow headband. Those black Chuck Taylors with Rasta colors. We didn't talk at all during LPEP. I don't recall anything.

You sat behind me during INOCHE1. I barely talked to you. You barely talked to me. We barely talked to each other.

I started acting like an idiot. People began to notice me. A little group was formed.

I made my PERSEF1 Album cover. You told me that I was "cool".

A few weeks pass, and people asked me who my crush was in the block. I told them that it was another girl, since they have the same voice the same as my previous crush. But eventually, I slipped. And told them.

That was around the middle of first term.

Few more weeks pass by.

Course cards. We drank. I saw your boyfriend for the first time. Was a bit jealous. Course cards in MATH111. You failed. I couldn't do anything or say anything to cheer you up.

I went home. To Bacolod. You told me to bring you guys pasalubong. I did.

It was a Thursday morning. 9:40 AM. COMPANA. I was sitting at the back. You arrived late, and you sat beside me. I gave you Napoleones. It was after your birthday, and I didn't get you anything.

More weeks pass by. Then, NSTP. That would signal the time that I knew that I really liked you.

More weeks pass by. And even more. We start having small talks with the gang along Miguel/SJ walk.

After the second term, I was really sure that I liked you. A lot.

December. I went back home. "Feeling mo naman may gustong magcolor sayo!!! Miss you Bram :))" I said "weh :))" Those short replies would soon evolve into something else.

And yet another arrow to my heart. "Bwahaha kakaulul. :)) Pare koy, miss na kita! Hilaw na mangga! :))" I owed you some green mangoes.

Then, third term. SOCTEC1. You sat two seats away from me. I was jealous.

Botany lab. You sat in front of me. I was relieved.

Then, NSTP2. You sat away from me in the jeepney. But eventually, you sat beside me. And eventually, my shoulder was your pillow.

I didn't know. That it was more than liking you.

Even more days pass. NSTP days became the best days of third term.

I got you the green mangoes that I owed you. And Yakult. And my Tapat shirt. Among other things.

LASARE1. I was fiddling with the camera. You borrowed it. I kept on fiddling with it. You got mad.

Then, the confession. You were crying along the sidelines. I couldn't do anything.

Days pass. Hours. Minutes. Seconds. Became... unbearable.

Then, the botany lab field trip. The day that would change it all.

So many chances, so many days. Why that day?

That day that you sat in away from me on the way to Laguna?

That day where I was burning with jealousy with you and our friend's "FHM" pictorial?

That day where you went down the river, trying to get a friend's slipper, only to be smothered by the current?

That day where I went down to get you?

And carried you to safety?

And went back down again to retrieve YOUR slipper?

That day when the spaghetti sucked, but everything else about you was awesome?

That day where you sang "My Heart", "Franklin", and all the songs that I listen to when I feel down.

That day, where going home, you sat beside me.

And rested your head.

On my shoulder.

As I rested my head.

On your head.

The scent of your hair.

The soft feel of your cheek.

The warmth of your breath.

I looked out the window, and said, "Why is my heart beating so fast?

Ah, I know.

I'm in love."

On that day, February 27, 2009, I fell in love with you.


We got closer and closer. More secrets were revealed. And more.

I brought you calamansi juice because you had a cold. The tumbler's still with you.

I told someone that I was in love with you. On March 2, 2009. That someone was in love with me.

Then, had a fight with your friend. Your friend that was in love with me.

Everything changed.

We got even closer.

We spent sleepless nights chatting. You started using intimate emoticons, and I ended up doing the same.

I was happy.

Until Course card day.

I was panicking. Then everything turned out fine... for me.

You texted me. I chatted with you. Comforted you. I went home. And played games with you. Chatted. Chatted.

I drew you a picture. I brought you my laptop. I brought you my book. I taught you. I went with you to school.

Yes, it was kind of a hassle, but worth it.

I was glad.

Until summer.

Until you found out.

Then, everything changed. We never talked. We never chatted. We never saw each other.

I was a wreck. I apologized. You did too. It only brought me more pain.

Pain.

Pain.

We had the same classes together after summer.

We would pass by each other along the corridors. Without anything coming out of our mouths.

It was awkward. Very. Fucking. Awkward.

I was looking at you. When you weren't looking at me.

Then, after a month of agony, you texted me again.

"Sorry we had a gap. Do you want to have the talk now?"

I went to school to see you. To talk to you. To say sorry. You said sorry.

You said a lot of things. "We're friends."

It was June 17, 2009. A rainy Wednesday afternoon. Heart. broke.

We avoided each other for a while.

Then, we watched a movie together with the other guys.

I sat beside you. You were cold. I tried to give you my jacket, but was afraid. Afraid of being a friend.

We talked about a lot of things. Then, you remembered that time that you sat beside me on the day that I fell in love with you.

Awkward. Again.

You went home.

I drank. And apologized to your "friend". Who was in a wreck too.

We started talking again. And again.

I still brought you my laptop.

Then, you had a fight with your boyfriend.

It was two in the morning. You texted me. I woke up immediately.

I talked to you. I helped you stand up. Encouraged you.

I helped fix you. You fixed your boyfriend. Who fixed me? That I don't know.

After.

Those.

Days.

We didn't chat often.

We rarely talked.

We rarely saw each other.

I went to your birthday celebration.

Your boyfriend was there.

And that's when I realized.

You're happy with him.

And I'm just... inadequate.

Then, days passed.

We talked casually. Nothing that great.

You told me about you moving to the North. I felt glad, and sad at the same time.

For telling me.

More days pass.

And more.

Then, it came. The fourth of December.

You were at Starbucks Torre. You texted me, I woke up, and went down.

Spent two hours in Starbucks talking about stuff.

At one point, I tried holding your hand. You let go. I understood.

We waited for a friend. We went up to my place and ate.

Then, we went to where the transportation would be. You sat in front of me.

We arrived at Laguna.

We and the block ate. Then swam. Then drank.

Then, things got out of hand.

People started to ask questions about each other.

When it was my turn, you said you had to go to the bathroom.

Then, I told them the deal between me and you.

I couldn't finish my story.

Because you came back.

I got some vodka, and proceeded to drink like there was no tomorrow.

I wanted to forget. I wanted something. Unclear of what it could be.

Minutes, hours pass by.

I was upstairs. Everyone was back in the house.

I saw you... alone. Behind some plants.

I went down. I was drunk. Very drunk. I was sure that you were too.

I put my arms around you. And said my thanks. And apologies.

The cold December air.

The cigarette that was the only light, apart from the lamp above us.

The scent of your hair.

The warm feel of your back against my arm.

Your sweet voice. That I love. So. Much.

"I hope you can find your happiness."
"Sorry that I can't reciprocate what you feel about me."
"Thank you for accepting me. Kahit na may mga bisyo ako, thank you."
"I thank you for that."

I was crying.

Though I was too drunk to feel the tears rolling along my face, I knew I was crying.

So happy, yet so damned sad at the same time.

Then, I said it.

"I love you."

Around one thousand four hundred and ninety-five words condensed into three.

After that, nothing.

I stopped crying.

Though my heart was beating the fastest that it ever had, I stopped crying.

Why?

Closure.

Probably the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

But still.

It's a sign. To move. Onward. Onward. Onward.

I know that you'll probably be wondering why I'm typing this even though I know that you've read my LJ.

It's because I can't express what I really feel personally.

That's why I act weird. That's why I'm always spacing out.

Trying to find the words to say.

I can't express anything.

Except when I'm drunk. But still.

This is what I've felt ever since that time.

Although I've already told you this, I'll say it again.

Thank you for making my college life one of the happiest times of my life.

Thank you.

Thank you. So much.

Until the next time we meet.

Thanks.

I don't know if I still love you, and I don't know if I hate you.

I don't know what the fuck's going on, and I don't know if I know what's going on.

I don't know if I should spill the beans, or if I shouldn't.

All I know is that I'm stoic, I want to love, and yet...

...

...everything's against me.


Based on experience, what's worse than heartbreak is stoicism.

At least during a heartbreak, you still feel something.

 Sorry.

Thanks.

For letting me talk to you.

For telling me the truth.

For letting me pour myself out.

For teaching me how to be strong.


I needed closure.

You gave it to me.


Just like that pretty face.

That carefree attitude.

That smile.



I know it was awkward for you and me.

I know I wanted to cry in front of you.

But I didn't.

Thank God, I didn't.


I love you.

I'll always do.

And I'll always be your friend.

Thanks.

Sorry.

Thanks.


for everything.

 Help me.

AH1N1? No.

Tuberculosis? Probably.

Lung Cancer? Hopefully.

I want to die.

Or have amnesia.

 Let me talk to you.

Please.

I'm going crazy here.

Well, I probably deserve it.

But please.

I've had enough.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Please?

 Is it me?

Or someone else?

I'm paranoid.

I'm sorry.

I'm fucking sorry.

Please.

Please?

 Bipolar? Probably.

Happy for myself.

Sad for you.


A sliver of hope, with a crapload of heartache.

I've let go.

Yet.

It still remains.



That would be fucking selfish of me.

You'll never read this.

But if you ever do.

I still like you.

Though I've let go.


Contradictory.

Inconsistent.



It remains.


Remains.





Remains.











Remains.

 G - Em - C - C (one chord per line)