bramisnotmyname

If being stoic means you don't feel anything...







...then why do I feel like crap?

Hello, fellow insolent human beings.
I hate life.
I actually hate it more that I've ever hated it.
I'm kind of happy, that I've actually gotten over someone, but the fact of the matter is, it's crappy being alone.
Yes, yes, there I go again with being alone and crap, but it's my blog? Capeesh?
Aaaaaaanyway, I just think that I won't be able to handle this. That I've repeated the same mistakes I've been repeating since... 2004.
Fucking demons.
No, not coitus involving demons.
(Lol, coitus. The dare's still on)
I hate irony.
The fact that I've told 2010 about 2008, and I've recently told 2008 about 2010 (she knew for reasons I cannot fathom).
Just. Fucking. Ironic.
And now, I'm stuck in the same indifferent hellhole I've been in since the start of my college life. Except for the second year of my college life which was spent weeping and being pathetic.
But it just sucks, you know? Being in everyone's friend zone.
And I mean EVERYONE (except for a few enemies.

...well, maybe more than a few of 'em, but that's another story).
Do I seem relaxed? Do I seem a tad less sarcastic? Or much less of an asshole?
The actual answer is, I don't fucking know.
I don't know at all. I mean, I TRY to be normal, but, normality just isn't what suits me.
It's this Goddamn sarcastic, geeky, instrumentalist shell of mine which always makes me end up in the Friend Zone. It sucks.
It just sucks balls.

I'm writing this down because tomorrow, I'll know if I've gotten over my HalLey's Syndrome.
The one where you have to wait 75 years to actually get over someone and go bonkers for another girl.
Fucking crap.
And what's worse? Is that when you're in between those 75 years. That SPLIT SECOND between those 75 years that matters the fucking most.
And whether it be your best female friend, or seatmate, or any girl for that matter, the Mermaid Clock just rings. And there's no snooze button until Halley's Comet has passed again.
And now I've got to pack my bags because I'll be going back to the dormitory.
Where a LOT has happened.

Goddamnit kill me already, will ya?

You know what sucks the most?
When everything's bottled up inside you.
When everything's pestering you to the point of near-insanity.
When everyone you thought you could talk to weren't.
When everyone else has functional relationships.
When everything piles up on you from behind then tackles you just when you're off guard.
When the warmth from your palm leaves mine.
When you just need someone to talk to, and they aren't there.
When you just need someone.
When nothing is just.
When you realize that everything is not going the way it used to.
When you realize that everything is going the opposite of how it should be.
When you don't know what should be.
When you can't tell someone how you actually feel about him/her.
When you can't tell anything at all.
When you just want to end it all.
When you realize that it would be a waste to end it all.
When you think that nothing can hurt you.
When you see that everyone else has someone to go to.
When you're that someone, yet you don't have someone to go to.
When you just want to know what's in a person's mind.
When you're waiting for an answer.
When that answer isn't what you expected.
When hell breaks lose.
You.
And you.
And you.

I am seriously at the point of breaking down.

I hate it.


Overwhelm me.

Well, it's been a while since my last lay. And by that I mean my last lay of words, not coitus. Because relationships are complicated. But who said that you need relationships to have coitus? Why do I keep saying(typing) coitus? Maybe because it's a funny word. I dare you to name your dog coitus.

Anyway, whatever happened to the time when things were just so simple? Times when you see a person, you don't try to find their external jugular vein over their sternocleidomastoid and grab the nearest sharp object so that you'll have a chance of spreading your genes for the next years to come. You see that? I'm stressed. I'm stressed like God knows how. I can't handle things emotionally, and just recently, I finished half a bottle of Gilbey's Gin. And probably a third of a bottle of Generoso Brandy. Because alcohol tastes like heartbreak. Citrus heartbreak (referring to the tiny hint of citrus flavor in Gilbey's).

But you know the suckiest part? It's when you realize that everyone you try to get close to or fall for runs away in one way or another. 2004, she chose to leave herself behind and not accelerate. Holy fucking crap, that took me around two years to get over 2004. 2009, she decided that she can't really handle our course, so she shifted. And up to now, I'm still probably gonna have to get over her... again.

The saddest thing is that either way, no matter how much years of studying I "skipped" to be an MD by age 22, no matter how much I've moved forward... it's just fucking hard to move on. Ever since, I've been the clingy type. I hate change. Change sucks so much. In fact it sucks so much that change doesn't even want to change itself. And now, a couple of more hours to go before the second semester of medical school begins.

Sucks, really.

Sucks so much.

If instant Hangover-away pills (that also magically detoxify livers) existed, I'd drink every night.

Sucks.

So.

Much.

I dare you to name your son/daughter Coitus.

Promise me you won't make any more promises.
Learn to love, I'll learn to hate.
Bluh.

IneedendorphinsIamabsolutelygoingcrazyhereIactuallyhatemedschoolIamnotdoingfineanymoreIthinkIlikesomeoneIstilllikesomeonewhatthefuckisgoingonhereIneedtoreassessmysituationnomyspacebarisnotbrokenIjustwantyouassholestoburnyoureyeswhileyoureadthisbecauseIsecretlydetestmostofyoufuckingretardsbutIamabsolutelygoinginsanehereIneedhelppleasewillyoubetheonetohelpmebutyouyourselfarehelplesssohowcanahelplesspersonhelpanotherhelplesspersonit'slikeablindpersonleadinganotherblindpersonandadeafpersonteachingsomeonehowtoplayaninstrumentalthoughitistechnicallypossibleIdon'tknowifithasanybearingtowhatI'mtypingrightnowIreallywanttodrinktodaytoforgetwhathashappenedtomethepastyearmyheartisstillachinguptonowwhenIrememberthosemomentsandnowit'sstartingtohurtwhenIthinkofthepossibilityofthoseeventshappeningbecauseI'mstillinthesamesituationthatIwasinlastNovemberwheneverythingwasfuckingshittyandIwascryingmyassoffIdon'tknowwhattodopleaseI'mbeggingyoutohelpmeI'vebeenhavingthosemomentsagainIthinkI'mtransitioningnowIdon'tknowwhattodoI'mafraidoffallinginloveagainespeciallywithsomeonewho'shadsomeoneandisstillinclosevicinitytothatsomeoneGoddamnitwhydoesnothinggomywayIknownothinggoesaccordingtoeveryone'swaybutsomepeoplehaveittheirwayallthetimeIdon'tunderstandhowIcan'thavethesamefortuneNOIAMNOTSELFISH,YOU'DASKTHESAMEFORYOURSELFTOO,sojudgemeifyouwishI'mjustthatgeeky,intentionally-clumsy,hopelesslyromanticloverboywhoneverseemstogetanythingoutoflifeexceptbiologybiologyandmorebiologyIhatethisIhatethispartIhateeverythingcurrentIhatethiscountryIhatetheworldplease,someonegetmeoutofthisshitholeno,Ihavenotbeendrinking(althoughIreallywanttorightnowbuttherearenoconveniecestoresinsightnotlikeinTaftwherealcoholflowsasmuchasabrokenwaterpipe)ImissTaftImissthepeoplethereImisseveryoneImissyouIthinkI'mstillinlovewithyoubutdon'tworryIwon'tpursueanythingyouprobably'llgettiredofreadingthishalfwaysowhatthefuckImissyousomuchhowIwishIcangobacktothosetimeswheneverythingwasjustbittersweetnowit'sjustbittercallmeemocallmesentimental,Icallyouabastard,abitch,orwhateverIwanttocallyouatthemomentImyselfwillgettiredofreadingthisGoddamnedblogthenexttimeIbrowsethroughthisbloodyjournalbuthey,I'mapathologicalliarHEYit'sthatDaphneLovesDerbysongthatyouloveGODDAMNITIdon'twanttosleeponawetpillowtonight.

...hate this part...


...riiiiiiight here.





...kill me.

I stare, you stare.
Our eyes confined to a single space in time.
Our time stands still.
Not anymore.
There's no more thrill.
No time to kill.
But still.
I sought a way.
To make a difference today.

I speak, you speak.
Lips in transit.
Not anymore.
Caught in a standstill
I sought a way
To make a difference today

Grab the tiger by the tail
Don't let go
I'll bet
You'll regret it for the rest of your life
Kiss the one you love
Don't let go.

Hubububhahbauhbuuhbhubhua
semi-drunk demo song no chords yet lyrics are a mess
GAH

Confused. As always.
A few weeks of euphoria
With a sequel of pain.
I've seen a scene like this before.
The same month.
Same shit.
Different day.

I'm really starting to reconsider if I have angina or something.
Wondering whether these chest pains I'm having
Are natural
Or synthetic.
It remains.
And it hurts like a bitch.

I am numb again.
Stoic.
Yearning for something.
Everything.
And yet every time I take one step closer.
You take two steps back.

I'm losing you.
I'm losing me.
I'm losing everyone.
I'm losing my mind.
Please.
Please.

Let me take what I want.
Take that risk.
Take that risk that no one dares to take.
Take.
I'll take.
You.

Me.
Let's
Take
That
Fucking
Risk
Together.

There is no such thing.
There is no such thing.
There is no such thing
As a stainless steel knife with a stain.

There is no such thing.
No such thing
As an impenetrable fortress that can be penetrated.

There is no such thing.
No such thing.
Nothing at all
As a putrid deodorizer.

Oxymorons.
Moronoxies.
Is there such a thing?
No.
Never.
Why?
Because.

There is no hope for the hopeless.
No rest for the restless.
No love for the loveless.
Nothing for anything.

There is only you.
And the world around you.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Murphy's Law at it's best.
Kaching.